A choice

A choice

The railing of the bridge was only a meter high. The metal felt cold under her bare fingers as she squeezed it tightly. The cool of the railing seemed to spread from her hands to the rest of her body and she shivered for a moment undetermined. Inhaling some late evening air she looked down at the water below her that was curling softly to the music of a light breeze. It would be better for them all if she just disappeared. She would only drag them down in the mud. She could be no mother to them, no mother that they deserved. What were they to do with a crazy mother? She was never going to be able to keep them safe, to keep them safe from her madness. When they would come to need her, she would never be able to be there for them. Her needs would always be in first place.

A bird started to sing from the nearest tree. Its song sounded so pure, so unreal. Accompanied by the soft whispering of the leaves of the tree, it almost sounded like praise. Praise to the smooth wind that ruffled the bird’s feathers or to the fact that it was so alive, so vital. Moving her head away from the water to look at the tree, she apprehended a nest. At the top of the tree a bowl of sticks rested lightly on some branches. The bird trusted the tree to carry the weight, to keep the nest safe.

She tore her gaze away from the tree. It was no use in thinking. The more she though the harder it would get. She needed to do this. There were no way out but down, down into the water. For once in her life she was going to make something right even if that meant she was going to die. All that she had been doing in her life had been some kind of burden to others. It had all been her fault.

The water did seem so frightening. She would probably drown quickly if the fall didn’t do the trick. Still the glittering water below did not seem welcoming. She had always been afraid of water. The very sight of it reminded her of blood, blood stains. Her nightgown had been wet, like in those days when she used to wet her bed, but it had not been urine. The stains had forever edged themselves into her memory. Red stains on a white fabric.

Her mother had been lying there, while the pool of blood under her just grew wider and wider. In the end she had stopped fighting to regain the life that was leaving her. She had been kicking and screaming at first, trying to hold her hands over the wound that the bullet had caused but to no use. She had tried to crawl over to the telephone to call for help but she had been too weak. And all the time her husband had just been standing their, legs wide apart, and pointing the gun at her.

Closing her eyes she tried to erase the picture of her dying mother from her retina. She had tried this before, even tried to get rid of the image by washing her eyes with soap, but to no use. It had always haunted her just as much as the wild and starring eyes of her father as he had turned his gaze away from her mother and laid eyes on her. In that moment she had been certain she was going to die. Even though she had not really grasped what death meant at ten years of age, she had still realized that it meant to go away, to be erased from the earth. And she had been frightened. God, she had been frightened and because of that fear she had done nothing. Her mother had died and she had done nothing.

Her sister had not been there when it happened but she had told her everything and they had sworn to protect each other forever. There had been just them, no mother and no father, just them. Their father had been rightfully sent to life in prison. They had been alone until their foster parents took the scene and everything changed.

At first the government had been reluctant to separate them. They were identical twins after all and to some families that worked as an attracting factor. But not to the family that decided to take care of them. They had found her sister so much more adorable and in the end they had agreed to adopt her and the pair of them had been split up. After a couple of years they had been forced to say goodbye to each other for good since her sister’s new family decided to move abroad. They had met just prior to that and then it had all been silence. No letters, no phone calls. In the end she had stopped hoping and tried to get on with her life.

The problem had been that she had had none. No one seemed to want to keep her since she had a hard time staying out of trouble. After a couple of years she had ran off, living on the street with one of her friends. It had been a hard life, filled with drugs and a lot of other things that she hadn’t been able to control. She had been steeling, boozing, having sex with strangers, never knowing weather she would have enough food or money for the next day. In retrospect she had to admit that she had made a lot of stupid choices. She had been reckless. But she had been lonely. She had grown up with the picture of her dead mother constantly on her retina. She had been lonely and she had been scared and of all the adults around her, no one had ever tried to give her some safety. No one had ever understood her; no one had ever taken her into their arms and tried to make her safe. She had been left to the wolfs, and for that she was not to be blamed. Anders had told her that, that it hadn’t been her fault. He had wanted her to realize that. But she hadn’t listened. He had wanted to help her and she had turned him down.

She opened her eyes and gazed at the sky. It was bright blue with just a couple of clouds moving. Did it seem more welcoming then the water below? Was this the last sky she was ever going to see? Where there a sky in heaven or was heaven just a hole of darkness. Where there even a heaven?

How many times had it been now that Anders had had to take care of her? Like she had been a baby he had been forced to care for her in her dark moments. He had offered her a shoulder to cry on and she had leaned on it willingly, taking without giving. She was not able to give. Her needs were too great. It was like there could never be enough energy for anyone else then her. And still he said he loved her… for everything, for all her faults, for all her neediness. She had given him children and forced him to take the leading carrying roll and he had never complained. She had stopped getting up in the morning to prepare the children for school and all he had done was giving her a kiss and hoping for her to regain her health. She had tortured him in every possible way and he had never let her down. But now it was going to stop. He was going to be free. He deserved better, better then her, and she was going to give it to him.

The tears clouded her vision of the sky. Wet and warm they tickled down her face and fell down at the cold railing. She was going to be free. Nothing else mattered anymore. She was going to be free

In a modern loft apartment, Madeleine scrutinized her face in the mirror that hanged above the chest of drawers in the hallway. She still looked young. A few lines under her eyes were the only things to reveal that she had just turned forty five. A chestnut colored hair framed the curves of her face. There was really nothing wrong with her. She was slim and her breasts were still held high in a youthful position. In retrospect she had had many chances of finding a man, many possible candidates to choose from. Men had always found her attractive. She had never stayed with anyone of them for a longer period of time. None of them had understood her hunger for a carrier. They had tried to tame her hunger for acknowledgment, tried to tie her up in a loop of home cleaning, neighbor visits and shopping trips to supermarkets once a week. It was no life of hers. She had ambitions and in her perspective family life and carrier could easily be combines. None of her potential father candidates had agreed with her. They had always seen her as selfish. Maybe if she had known her real father and not being forced to grow up with a male chauvinist pig she would have chosen better men for herself. Or if she had known her father she would probably be dead just like her mother. Now it was too late anyway. The reality had begun to sink in by now. She was going to be lonely. All her hard work in life, all her saved money, would never benefit a child. The only thing it would be good for would be to support her and perhaps a greedy man that would marry her for the money. Not really a good future prospect. And not really one she could live with.

It was a bunch of sad faces as she entered the office. Madeleine had not expected anything else. After all she was highly respected at her work and her decision to quite had taken all of her coworkers by surprise. During her time as boss, she had mange to improve a lot of things for the employees, and they all loved her for that. Now they were probably scared that everything would go back to the way it used to once she was gone. But that was no concern of hers. She was of to new and better horizons, starting her life at last. Nothing was to be brought along on the journey. That included emotional luggage as well as material. Neither would be needed on the trip, not until she reached her destination and begun to rebuild her life the way she wanted it to be. No one was to deny her happiness anymore. The world had been doing that for too long. This time she had taken the matter into her own hands. This time…this time she was going to make it right.

It rained and still she stood at the railing. Her hands were still clinging to the cold metal. She had looked so different, Madeleine, when she had met her again. In some way she seemed to bring cold with her everywhere she went, but after just a while she had come to realize that the good hearted child was still inside of her. Seeing Madeleine again was the first time in years that she had ever felt safe. They were twins, joined at the hips, and the connection could not be broken. They had discussed her plan over and over again. Madeleine had not agreed at first. But after further discussion of the situation she had come to see the benefits of her plan. Madeleine would be a wonderful mother to her children, she was sure of that, and the children wouldn’t even notice that they had gotten a new mother. She had hugged them goodbye one last time, adjusting their seatbelts in the car and…

She couldn’t do this! It was final. The tears clouded her vision but they did not cloud her mind. Her daughters eyes had been so clear when she had bent down to give her that final kiss. The feeling of soft little arms trying to hugs her goodbye was still a memory as clear as ever. There had not been words, just silence communication, but she knew her daughter’s hugs and they meant love, love of that kind that only a daughter can give to her real mother. There had been trust as well, an unspoken word of belief in her.

She picked up her mobile phone. Madeleine could not be home jet, there were still time to make things right. If she hurried, no one would even know what she had planned and almost done.

Waiting to see the car approach in a distance she drew a sigh of relief. It all started to fall into place now. The road to recovery lay right in front of her. She would be a better mother. Her sister had sounded a bit hearth broken at the phone but still calm. She had agreed to turn around immediately and return to the bridge. She should arrive in any minute. A lorry passed her and she squeezed herself tight to the railing to avoid the suction his high speed caused. People were driving far to fast these days.

There was a sudden loud crash and she jerked by the noise. In the second that followed she threw herself aside as something huge approached her ready to crush her. She screamed, screamed and screamed as the object crashed into the railing, tearing big pieces of it with it before tipping over the edge and plunging into the canal.

In that moment she froze. Crawling on all four she looked over the edge of the bridge. The water wasn’t curling softly anymore. It moved wavelike while a silver colored estate car bobbed like a boat on top of it. In the end it started to sink. She starred at it paralyzed. Someone stopped a car. In a distance there were sirens. But in her mind there was silence.